A R T I C L E S

The Squalor
by Jerry Freeman

Two weeks into the Jester Challenge our hero is visited by the spirit of Blondie Hasler onboard Jester as he battles with the three demons of solo sailors; dehydration, sleep deprivation and sea sickness, that conspire to produce vivid dreams and hallucinations in snatched sleep.

Picture the scene, the valiant little boat has been battling with persistent westerlies for the last week, all the electronics have failed and today’s noon DR. is the same as yesterday’s. Living in a cold wet boat for a few weeks is just possible but living in a cold smelly mildew wet boat with a single male housekeeper and a damp mattress is close to the limits of endurance for our standard southern softie. To make matters worse the cumulative effect of some sloppy thinking by well meaning helpers is threatening to torpedo the whole project.

Hasler: Good morning skipper, how is it going? Nice breeze today, Nor’west 5 and the seas going down, should be able to shake out those reefs soon, why are you still in your pit? Show a leg old man.

Tyro: shudup! My feet are cold, my bag is wet, I’m only just getting warm, not getting out, go away!

Hasler: come on Sir, hands on sox, I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, let me just do this sink full of washing up, where is the tea cloth?

Tyro: I only have one, but it is dry in the top corner there, by North Utsire.

Hasler: Roger, I’ll just light the stove, where’s the meths?

Tyro: Its Gaz you chump, just turn it on, you’ll need the mole grips though, the valve seems a bit stiff and the knob broke off yesterday, I thinks its corrosion ‘cos there is a drip just over the galley. And it’s Tyro.

Hasler: seems convenient Sir, is it safe? How many Gaz canisters do you have, I don’t think you could buy these in the USA in my day.

Tyro: Tea will be nice, I didn’t drink anything yesterday. There is a household box of matches somewhere, bit damp but some do strike.

Hasle: Negative Sir, but I have my trusty Boom Patrol lighter, that should do the trick. Now where do you keep the tea?

Tyro: She got a big box of tea bags from ASDA, 500 for 3 quid, economy tea. They are under the galley somewhere, mind the box, it is a bit damp.

Hasler: These two look ok Sir, would you like milk?

Tyro: She got a big catering sack of powdered milk from the Cash and Carry, 50 litres for a fiver, great value, mind you don’t tear the bag on those screw heads.

Hasler: Is this your kettle Sir? It looks big enough for a regiment to me.

Tyro: My wife bought it, she would be upset if I didn’t take it along.

Hasler: Wilco, I’ll just put in enough water for the two of us then, does the whistle work?

Tyro: Nah! Boiled it dry the other day when I fell asleep after lunch, too much wine, it was red hot and the paint was bubbling, no holes though.

Hasler: I see you still have my old tea spoon, that’s done some miles I can tell you, see that hole, I drilled that in 1960, in 50 north and 50 west after I had lost it in the bilge for the umpteenth time, and I tied it to the primus stove.

Tyro: Oh that’s what that grotty piece of string was for, my wife cut it off, said it was unhygienic. Anyway I’ve got loads more spoons in the cutlery drawer

Hasler: Gosh, I’ve seen fewer fine forks in a frigate. Are you a cutler or something?

Tyro: How’s the tea?

Hasler: Just coming Sir, how many sugars? I can chip some lumps out of the bag if you like.

Tyro: 3 sugars and you’ll find the biscuits in the big locker, I put all my biscuits and cakes and goodies there so I can get at them easily.

Hasler: It’s a bit soggy at the bottom, the ones on top look edible, Rich Tea ok for you?

Tyro: Have all the chocolate digestives gone already?

Hasler: Affirmative, here is your tea Sir.

Tyro: Thanks, cheers, ouch! These tin mugs get hot don’t they, good value though.

Hasler: I say Sir, this tea tastes a bit odd, no wonder you need three sugars, is it the water?

Tyro: Probably, I usually buy Highland spring water in bottles from Waitrose but 50 days at 3 litres per day per man my wife said that was too many bottles so my mate filled the old main tank from the hose at QAB, he said it was fine.

Hasler: is he doing the race as well Sir?

Tyro: Nah, he works in a pub mostly. Anyway at least I can get at it easily with the new electric pump he put in before the start, just twist those two wires together.

Hasler: seems convenient, how much do you have left?

Tyro: Dunno, plenty I should think, err… 2 weeks done, 5 weeks to go, that’s two eights innit? Say half a tank…..

Hasler: I’ll just have a quick butchers round the horizon while you pack away your sleeping bag in its waterproof duffle.

Tyro: Tah mate, but I’ll just have another hour in the sack, pretty knackered, thanks for the pee, I mean tea.

The horizontal champion slumbered blissfully for three hours, as predicted the wind continued to veer and decrease, Jester jogging along under auto pilot eventually hove to with the sail aback on a flat sea. The motion was so gentle that Tyro dreamed he was back in the marina at Plymouth. The high level alarm on Tyro’s bladder woke him…

Tyro: Nice breeze from the north, vis is not too good though, better get some sail up and crack on, what’s for lunch? Now where did I put that spinnaker? …..Ah!

Jerry Freeman.